Ketamine allowed me to have a wonderful spring, followed by a crazy summer. We’ve moved into the travel trailer in a camping club which is surprisingly fun and feels like home. I started singing again and even joined a choir. I was able to have a great visit from my Papa followed by a trip from my Dad. I focused most of my time on doing the work for bariatric surgery, which for me looked like nutritional counseling every other week and loosing 10% of my weight. I found a therapist I love and have made big strides in dealing with being permanently ill, we’ve also been working on the relationships effected by my depression.
A few days after Dad left I had my disability trial. To be honest I didn’t realize how stressful this day would be. It determines the rest of my and also Steven’s life. Our future was in a strangers hands and finally after two years of waiting and appeals, it was here.
I woke up the next day back in my pit. The familiar feel of my little black rain cloud was there, torture yet somehow comforting….. I e spent most of the past 10 years here. My skin on fire and the overwhelming pain I feel in my bones reminding me that life is different and I was not back to “normal”
Damn. A flare. This will pass, just stress, just the after effects of the events of the summer.
In the matter of two weeks, 6 months of hard work unraveled. Just like that.
Depression is no joke.
So here we are go again…. crawling slowly back out of the pit.
When I worked for Ford we had a training in which they showed us a video made by “Chick-fil-a” talking about how everyone has a story you don’t know anything about (posted below). I was reminded of this video earlier when someone on my facebook feed posted about women leaving the house with their hair not looking brushed. Honestly, my first instinct was to be mad and get defensive, I even cried a little bit. Since becoming ill I can no longer care for my self or fix my hair like I used to. Being 100 % honest my hair is only washed once a week and then only combed through if I redo my ponytail/bun that day. My arms hurt, scalp hurts, water hitting me in the shower feels like needles sometimes. Growing up in the South where “Cleanliness is next to Godliness” comments about lack of hygiene seem to cut a little deeper. Now that I’m sick I feel the need to speak up for others like me that may be struggling with an invisible illness. I know I can’t change how society thinks as a whole but I can hopefully make a difference to some……
But……….. in saying this I realized I need to have an attitude adjustment myself. Everyone does have a story and I often times forget that.
Instead of just moaning and groaning about how bad the smoke has been ( but seriously it’s bad, yesterday’s news talked about how the air quality is equivalent to smoking 7 cigarettes ), I could spend more time praying about the ones who’ve lost their lives and homes to these fires. I thought about this in length last night, so many fires. So Many. Why aren’t we talking more about this in the news? Instead of getting upset and crying to myself, I could hope that peoples eyes are opened to how tiny little comments said on Facebook can affect someone. Instead of griping about how Netflix’s new show “Afflicted” harms the Chronic illness community I can speak up about my own story (to the appropriate channels) and be an advocate for those whose illnesses have progressed much further than mine and can no longer speak or write themselves. I often feel helpless and that I don’t contribute much to society but I know that just the depression talking, I can’t do much physically or monetarily to help I have a lot of time on my hands in which I can pray.
My attitude adjustment won’t happen overnight just like watching this video won’t change everyone’s way of thinking but maybe even if it just for today it can help make a difference to someone.