Back in the pit

Back in the pit….

Ketamine allowed me to have a wonderful spring, followed by a crazy summer. We’ve moved into the travel trailer in a camping club which is surprisingly fun and feels like home. I started singing again and even joined a choir. I was able to have a great visit from my Papa followed by a trip from my Dad. I focused most of my time on doing the work for bariatric surgery, which for me looked like nutritional counseling every other week and loosing 10% of my weight. I found a therapist I love and have made big strides in dealing with being permanently ill, we’ve also been working on the relationships effected by my depression.

A few days after Dad left I had my disability trial. To be honest I didn’t realize how stressful this day would be. It determines the rest of my and also Steven’s life. Our future was in a strangers hands and finally after two years of waiting and appeals, it was here.

I woke up the next day back in my pit. The familiar feel of my little black rain cloud was there, torture yet somehow comforting….. I e spent most of the past 10 years here. My skin on fire and the overwhelming pain I feel in my bones reminding me that life is different and I was not back to “normal”

Damn. A flare. This will pass, just stress, just the after effects of the events of the summer.

In the matter of two weeks, 6 months of hard work unraveled. Just like that.

Depression is no joke.

So here we are go again…. crawling slowly back out of the pit.

Health is a Crown…..

People kept telling me having the hysterectomy would be the best thing and how much better I’d feel afterwards. I find myself questioning everything now…..
Just to recap I had a hysterectomy in January.
I was recovering okay then about two weeks after the MONO hit. It took some time to sort things out and get diagnosed. Thanks to me joking with steven and my dr’s “might as well” attitude we were all slightly relieved to have mono diagnosis.
I had some lidocaine shots for my nerve pain from the surgery- basically, I’m a big girl and a lot of “pulling and tugging” had to be done resulting in some lasting pain. Was set up to see a pain specialist but the appointment was cancelled due to the mono and will be rescheduled when we figure out what’s happening.
A few weeks later I started passing out during a “migraine”. Then came the numbness and tingling, more fatigue, blurry vision, arms face and legs felt like pins and needles. My blood pressure had been high and out of control since surgery. Good news is it wasn’t stroke or heart-related.
Since January I have seen multiple ER doctors, gynos, internal medicine, had infectious disease drs looking at my charts, neurologists and what feels like every test in the book- except the one MRI I actually need. Due to my anxiety we have had three failed attempts. Weight limits have prevented us from getting one with sedation sooner- even after stating we could go anywhere in the state.
So now we wait until May 2nd
Meanwhile everything is just getting worse.
I can’t drive, can’t work, some days can hardly take care of myself. Showers are torture, walking to the elevator feels like I’m climbing a mountain. I can’t even begin to mention the depression and emotional side of things.
My therapist challenged me to make a list of things I could do to make myself happy or feel better without too much pain. My first answer was eating but honestly, if I am hungry it doesn’t bring joy anymore just stomach issues so I said I guess I could blog.
I’ve been trying to write. Trying to function and explain what’s going on without constant complaining. People who are close to me and actually know the extent of what I’m feeling are all out of answers and ideas.
People keep asking how I’m doing. My honest answer is I’m still breathing- I’m still here- I’m attempting to get out of bed every morning- I’m trying! My answers are usually followed by frustration- why can’t they figure out what’s wrong- when will it stop- work work work work work- money money money- exercise and it will get better- maybe it’s this- maybe it’s that- just force yourself out of bed land my favorite maybe it’s just your depression.
It’s not just my depression. My psychiatrist, therapist, and primary Dr are at least all in agreement on that one. (Thank you blood work. Something is physically wrong. They just aren’t sure what.
I have good days and bad days. I can cook and clean and venture out with steven or my mom one day yet can’t move or hold my eyes open the next, some days are just better than others.
So for the time being I’ll just keep on truckin until we figure out what’s wrong and how to fix it. I want Sarah back…..

It’s been a while…

Wow! Has it really been 9 months since I’ve last blogged. I was going to title this 9 Months but figured that might give people the wrong idea 😉

I’m currently looking out the window at work thinking about life. My brain is firing on all cylinders these days so I figured it was time to come back to my trusty blog. I should update it but don’t even know how or where to begin on that front, so if you have suggestions feel free to comment.

So an update is in order.


I now live in Lacey Washington. I absolutely love it here except for the one way streets and a few annoying roundabouts. I work as a receptionist at an Animal Emergency and Specialty Hospital.
I have a boyfriend. In fact Steven is the reason I moved down here….which was a crazy big step but the right one for sure.


I feel that if I say “I’m quite stable and think we found the right combination of medicine” things will go haywire so I just won’t say that. This past summer during whirlwind that was my heal I had my IUD removed. It was originally placed while in Australia to help with my PCOS. Slowly as the days, weeks, and months have gone by I’ve seen some of the fog clear away. While I still struggle with Depression, my mood swings, rage and emotional outburst have decreased significantly.



When gluten is not in my system I feel great. I wish I could say I’m 100% gluten free and following the AIP diet still, however that isn’t the case. I am trying though. I’m learning how to listen to my body and understand triggers, pain and fatigue though so that’s a plus.



I emailed today and requested information about tap and ballet classes for adults so that should be fun.

While I’m the happiest I’ve been in a very long time its still hard to be in a new place. Making new friends is more nerve racking for me as an adult than it was in Jr. High. I’m currently looking for a new Church down here and hoping to find community soon. I’m hoping to blog more as I navigate through life down here. I should say up here since the majority of my readers are from the South but oh well. I have my eyes on a few 5k’s and we all know that my little black rain cloud keeps things interesting!