Health is a Crown…..

People kept telling me having the hysterectomy would be the best thing and how much better I’d feel afterwards. I find myself questioning everything now…..
Just to recap I had a hysterectomy in January.
I was recovering okay then about two weeks after the MONO hit. It took some time to sort things out and get diagnosed. Thanks to me joking with steven and my dr’s “might as well” attitude we were all slightly relieved to have mono diagnosis.
I had some lidocaine shots for my nerve pain from the surgery- basically, I’m a big girl and a lot of “pulling and tugging” had to be done resulting in some lasting pain. Was set up to see a pain specialist but the appointment was cancelled due to the mono and will be rescheduled when we figure out what’s happening.
A few weeks later I started passing out during a “migraine”. Then came the numbness and tingling, more fatigue, blurry vision, arms face and legs felt like pins and needles. My blood pressure had been high and out of control since surgery. Good news is it wasn’t stroke or heart-related.
Since January I have seen multiple ER doctors, gynos, internal medicine, had infectious disease drs looking at my charts, neurologists and what feels like every test in the book- except the one MRI I actually need. Due to my anxiety we have had three failed attempts. Weight limits have prevented us from getting one with sedation sooner- even after stating we could go anywhere in the state.
So now we wait until May 2nd
Meanwhile everything is just getting worse.
I can’t drive, can’t work, some days can hardly take care of myself. Showers are torture, walking to the elevator feels like I’m climbing a mountain. I can’t even begin to mention the depression and emotional side of things.
My therapist challenged me to make a list of things I could do to make myself happy or feel better without too much pain. My first answer was eating but honestly, if I am hungry it doesn’t bring joy anymore just stomach issues so I said I guess I could blog.
I’ve been trying to write. Trying to function and explain what’s going on without constant complaining. People who are close to me and actually know the extent of what I’m feeling are all out of answers and ideas.
People keep asking how I’m doing. My honest answer is I’m still breathing- I’m still here- I’m attempting to get out of bed every morning- I’m trying! My answers are usually followed by frustration- why can’t they figure out what’s wrong- when will it stop- work work work work work- money money money- exercise and it will get better- maybe it’s this- maybe it’s that- just force yourself out of bed land my favorite maybe it’s just your depression.
It’s not just my depression. My psychiatrist, therapist, and primary Dr are at least all in agreement on that one. (Thank you blood work. Something is physically wrong. They just aren’t sure what.
I have good days and bad days. I can cook and clean and venture out with steven or my mom one day yet can’t move or hold my eyes open the next, some days are just better than others.
So for the time being I’ll just keep on truckin until we figure out what’s wrong and how to fix it. I want Sarah back…..

Unnamed post about losing my baby maker here…..

 think I’ve been pretty stable for so long now I’d forgotten what it felt like to be in my “Pit” with my little black rain cloud. I am an anxious nervous wreck and feel like I have lost all ability to function… and you know what? I’m starting to think that’s okay all things considered.
This weekend was rough. I took a 14 Hour nap Thursday, could hardly function on Friday. I forced myself out of bed on Saturday and then didn’t even get dressed yesterday. I seem to be in a daze. I don’t want to watch TV, cook, clean, read, I pretty much just lay around and try not to think, praying passes the time too. I’ve had to force myself to eat which is so unusual. Then the tears and time it takes to even decide what to have is completely exhausting to the point of just giving up and not eating.
It has been so hot in the apartment I’m about to blow a gasket. My rage against the sweating has really been a welcome distraction. Not really a healthy one- a welcome one though. I’m tempted to ask my mom to put back up the AC- because opening the windows when its 36 outside is doing absolutely nothing for me. I need to get an indoor/outdoor thermometer so I can see if I’m just being crazy or if it really is above 70 in the apartment.
Yesterday I was reminded that I am about to go through a major surgery.  A very personal, life changing one. Its not like my gallbladder – this is my babymaker ( uterus, tubes, cervix all that sounds so official. I’ll be immature and stick with babymaker)
I guess I haven’t been letting myself grieve properly. I’ve been really trying to hold it together. I read an article from HysterSisters  (thank  goodness for this site) and it seemed to put some things into perspective for me so I figured I’d share it here.
It’s Major Surgery
No matter what type of hysterectomy you have, it’s still major surgery. You may have only tiny incisions or no visible incisions at all, but you still had an organ removed. Although hysterectomies are performed so frequently that society has come to think of them as no big deal, let your family know it is major surgery and you need to follow doctor’s orders and take care of yourself. Remember, you only have one chance to heal right!
Recovery Really Does take 6 Weeks
You’re dressed, you’re walking around the block… so you must be all better, right? Not necessarily! Because you are encouraged to walk during recovery and look quite well, your family may not realize you’re not fully recovered. Remind them that recovery cannot be rushed, and until you’re cleared by your doctor, you’ll be relying on their help around the house.
No, I Can’t Vacuum!
Most doctors will advise you of lifting limits (usually no more than 10lbs). Vacuuming falls under this same restriction. The pushing and pulling motion of vacuuming (as well as sweeping and mopping) puts strain on your abdominal region, and, thereby your stitches and healing tissues. Ignore the pet hair on the carpet and leave that vacuum in the closet.
There May be Tears
The trauma of surgery, medications, fatigue, and hormonal fluctuations can lead to weepiness post op. Some women are dealing with a cancer diagnosis, the onset of surgical menopause or the loss of fertility, and this can be overwhelming. The depth of the emotions can take you and your families by surprise. Let your family know there will be tears and you will need hugs, but it will get better soon!
You Need to put Yourself First
As a woman, you are used to being busy and “doing it all.” This is one of the few times in your life when you need to put yourself (emotionally and physically) first. Your family can take care of meals and housekeeping: this is your time to rest. It may be an eye-opener for them, but stand strong and leave that Super Woman cape in the closet. It will be there when you’re recovered!

Two Weeks

I keep making comments about the Baby Maker. I have to, I have to try to laugh. Humor is the only way I can cope at the moment.
I chopped off my hair yesterday in preparation for surgery. I call it the “I’m not gonna be a mom hair cut”. Personally when I say that I smile, it makes me giggle. I can see your faces reading it, uncomfortable- its okay to laugh with me.
I also ordered a Pregnancy pillow with birthday money. I’ve wanted one since I saw the movie the Back -Up Plan so why not. I find it funny and Ironic but everyone on hystersisters says they are perfect for recovery.
I make fun of Subaru commercials I want to cry at now, I mock them because I just can’t cry. Poor Steven, he doesn’t know what to say or do. No one does. Not even me.
I told my mom the other night I don’t feel I can be honest with anyone. It makes people uncomfortable. I’ve been doing surprisingly well, so when I do break down, or cry, or make so “not funny” comments it catches people off guard.
My depression and Anxiety meds are working pretty well, the best they have ever been actually. This is a wonderful thing but I’m still learning how normal people deal with things. I used to just cry. Now I can’t. Not more than 5 mins anyways. Gone are the days of crying myself to sleep and feeling better in the morning. It’s a wonderful feeling to be so stable. I’m so used to my insides and outsides matching when it comes to feelings…. Its just odd. It’s a change- a great one- but still odd.
Deep down I feel like a complete wreck though. I sit at work and count down the hours until I don’t have to smile, to when I can go home and get in my muumuu and pretend I’m much older than I am. I’ve read tons of articles, I know that women all around the world regardless of age, number of kids, marital status or circumstances struggle when faced with the word hysterectomy. Even without all the extra hormones it’s hard.
I keep thinking about Grey’s Anatomy and the part where Christina is screaming for someone to sedate her because she can’t stop crying. This is how I feel on the inside. I think I’ll make Steven watch this episode sometime this weekend. Just to get a better understanding.
I know that people don’t know what to say or how to handle me. I don’t even really know what I need.
I do wish that yall would laugh with me, understand that the humor is the only thing I can do at the moment to keep from completely losing it.
I appreciate all of the kind words about freezing my eggs, foster and adoption. I will be pursuing foster /adoption care eventually. Surrogacy isn’t the right option for me. I’ve thought and prayed about all the options extensively and appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers. Its helped tremendously.
The next two weeks will be a roller-coaster I’m sure.
I appreciate those of you who are staying on the ride with me.

I dreamed a dream


 

I’ve always wanted to be a mom. A stay at home mom actually, it was quite a foreign concept to me growing up. No one in my family was a “homemaker” and the majority of the extended members  were divorced and working so the idea of a stay at home mom was fascinating to me.

 

The hunger grew while I was at Hillsong. I was forced to go to Sisterhood and be around girly things and talk about families, children and everything it is to be a woman of God. I secretly loved it though if you knew me then you would be surprised. It was hard, while in Sydney I had two procedures on my female parts and faced some of the same thoughts and fears as I’m facing now… 

 

As the years went by and I got older I heard the biological clock tick louder. I celebrated with friends through weddings, engagements and birth their babies. Somewhere along the way I let my guard down and actually believed I would know this joy one day too. A few years ago I actually had a dr tell me the cysts in my ovaries were gone, that really allowed me to dream even bigger.

 

But now…..

 

I keep singing I dreamed a dream from Les Miserables. I was trying to explain to my mom that my tears weren’t all about not having children of my own. They are about not even getting to dream about them, their freckles, their births, surprise gender announcements, and fun ways to tell friends and family the happiest news ever. 

 

I’ve been through life, heartache and loss….

I’ve just never had my dreams taken away before.

 

“I had a dream my life would be So different from this life I’m living So different now from what it seemed Now life has killed the dream I dreamed”

Relax! It’s just the hormones

This morning I was standing in my kitchen crying about the lack of ice in the freezer and saying its just the hormones, its just the hormones, its just the hormones calm down just relax.  I realized maybe it was time to stop “working” on my blog and do some actually writing.
***Here is my there will be some girl talk in the post disclaimer***
I’ve basically been on my period for the past 2 months. Due to the lack of iron and severe anemia it has been increasingly hard to function this past month. I have gone through various forms of hormones and birth control drugs in high doses that have wreaked havoc on my body. My hair is thinning, hot flashes, irritability and have pretty much every other side effect possible. Humor and silly Instagram posts have been as warnings and jokes but the mood swings are pretty bad. According to my Psychiatrist it is actually very common for the amount of hormones that I’m on to basically render my anti depressants and anxiety medicine useless. I take comfort in knowing that this will pass and is some what “normal”.
Trying to stay in control of my emotions has really distracted me from the fact that I’ll be having a hysterectomy in January, a month after my 30th birthday. I fell apart once with my mom but I know there is a flood of emotions hiding in my heart.
I’ll be documenting this journey here on my blog. I’ve searched and read every blog post and article about going through this at my age. Since I’ve only come across a few articles on women going through this without ever having kids I felt a nudge in my heart to be real and honest. Maybe my experience with this could help someone else one day.
Since I’m terrified that once I start crying I won’t be able to stop, my current goal is to work and not be a hormonal b-word. I need to enjoy Christmas festivities, turn 30, visit my dad and family whom I haven’t seen in 2 years, and try to hold it together until January. I refuse to let this ruin my holidays.