Why I’m okay with going home….

 I started packing this morning… I’ve been at it for 2 hours and have giggled laughed and cried about 4 times… My emotional health is now just as messed up as the rest of me. Just when I needed it the most I got this message from a friend here….
🙂 I just want you to know I am amazed by you. This has probably been the hardest year of your life. and even though you may think you are barely getting by, you have walked this out with so much grace. and even though you may think you are an emotional wreck, you have walked this out with more joy than anyone could ask for. God has some incredible things in store for you. I just know it. You may not go back looking more different than you wanted, but you have been transformed. You have gone through this, and come out on the other side. No weapon formed against you shall prosper. youre like our modern day Job. One thing after another. its like right when you think it couldnt get worse it did. BUT in the midst, you never lost your hope in Jesus. You never denied Him or a love for him. sure you’ve been frustrated and questioning why, but you love him and it is evident. I love you much, I am inspired by you. Like for real. I dont know that I could have or would have walked this out as well as you have. You may be leaving us in the physically, but you are a part of this family. we are here for you. always. theres a special bond that God creates here at college, no one can break that. I’m proud of you and proud to call you friend. love you. thank you for letting me be a part of this journey with you. Cant wait to see what God does with all this. its gonna be incredible. All things that the enemy meant for evil, my Jesus will turn for good, to glorify Himself. He’s a good God sarah, you know that in your heart, and still confess it with your mouth, and THAT is a huge testimony to anyone who sees and is in your life. Love you;) 

It was just what I needed to put my big girl panties on and get to work packing as much as I dont want to.
I’m getting so many conflicting feelings… I have people telling me that  God has told them for me to stay, people saying the Holy Spirit is saying go home go home and everything in between. I just want to be well… I want symptoms to stop and if that means I have to do it at home okay. I may be leaving a month or so early but that doesn’t mean that this year has been a waste. I’ve grown more inside than I could ever explain to anyone. I’m a stronger Christian and heaps stronger person. I’ve learned how to rely on God and only Him. He’s basically stripped away everything I ever thought or knew and rebuilt it with a better foundation….. and that my friends is worth every cent, stitch, pain, dr’s appointment, humiliation, laugh, and tear that I’ve experienced here. I wrote songs, made life long friends, memorized verses I never thought I could, fell in “love”, passed a Christian Doctrine and Spirit- Filled Living class that quite frankly I shouldn’t have and so much more. Just because my year didn’t look like everyone elses doesn’t mean I didn’t complete it.
That’s why I have a peace about leaving. I can get on the plane and say I’m not the same sarah that came here last July. I’m stronger….. which was the point of this year in the first place.

Home again, Home again Jiggidy Jig- Surgery/home update

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future- Jeremiah 29:11
This is one of the hardest blogs I’ve had to write for awhile.
As you know last Friday I had emergency surgery to remove a mass from my right ovary. Surgery went great but I’ve had a rough time recovering. Fever, infections, nausea, crazy blood counts and more…

After discussing things, with the Dr’s , school and family we have decided that maybe its best to return home to the states. The current plan, which could change at any point, is to return to Texas and stay with my Grandma in Dilley and recover. This way she can take care of me, drive me around,  ect…
Once I’m back on my feet health wise I will begin looking for a job somewhere and go on from there…
You may be reading this and thinking Wow.
Yes wow but I have to what is best for my health. This hasn’t been an easy decision and was made with lots of thoughts and prayer from myself and other wise council.  I don’t consider this “giving up” , “failing” or “throwing in the towel” this is me doing what’s best for me in the long run. I’ve now had 2 surgeries in a foreign country and that’s way more than I ever thought I could handle. God works in crazy crazy mysterious ways. He is my sovereign Healer and I feel His Peace in this situation.
We have found a ticket for $908 from Sydney to LA and $135 from LA to San Antonio for next week or the week after.  Now we need God to provide money for said ticket. The majority of my finances have been spent on Antibiotics, Pain medicine, Medical tests and sending people to and from the grocery store for food.  I know He will provide a way!
 If you feel that you can help in any way it would be greatly appreciably.

Home is where the heart is…

Today after spending a few hours being poked and prodded only to find out no reason for my fever…I got in Jareds car and said I want to go home. the closest thing to home here is outback or McDonalds so I  ordered him to Mickey D’s despite my strict orders to return straight to bed……

Home is a word thats come up practically every day since I had surgery. Are you going home? Do you want to go home? What happens when you go  home? are you staying for second year or going home? How are your parents back at home handling this? and on and on…

Well I’m not quite sure where or what home is anymore.

If “home is where the heart is” … then Home is here in Sydney.
If home is where I grew up then its in Snyder
If home is with my parents its Canada or Georgia….

I don’t know where home is anymore really. I never thought I could leave Snyder home to so many of the people I care for and love… but I did. Now I have more people to care for and love spread out all over the world……
You’ll have to excuse my mopey slightly depressing post but with everything going on im trying to keep my head above water. Someone last semester told me to be at home where ever you go which is something I’ve prayed for God to show me. My prayer is that I wouldn’t wish away time being “home sick” for example while in Sydney I want to be in Snyder but while in Snyder over Christmas I wanted to be in Sydney. I have to constantly ask God to remind me that my “real true” home is with Him, so technically it doesn’t matter where I am.

I have a ” homesick” playlist on my computer that I listen to when I am feeling down… Its not really even call homesickness anymore… I think its people sickness 🙂 any ways some of my favorites are
Can’t go home- Sugarland and Bonjovi
Home- Michael Buble
House is not a home- Glee
Home home on the range
Broken Road- Rascal Flatts
Won’t go home without you- maroon 5
Gettin you Home- Chris Young
Temporary Home- Carrie Underwood
And of course My favorite Home is Where the Heart is”-  Lady Antebellum

In other not as mopey annoying news I’m recovering okay. My incisions are looking super but…. ( there is always a but) I have an infection somewhere causing fever…. They ran some tests and should be in contact soon. In the meantime I’m loaded up on Augminten antibiotics to hopefully kill whatever it is thats making me fever and the chills… I had to ask for a blanket today and one of my friends was like woah your cold? this is a first.  I know huh?!

Anywhooo….. Love Yall Thanks for all the prayers and support!

Emergency Surgery? Now?

As most of you know I’ve been having trouble with me female parts or as we call them here hooha and baby maker. Anyways I went in for a schedule check up to make sure the pesky cyst/mass/tumor hadn’t grown( its a cyst but it turned solid therefore making it a mass/tumor according to the aussie health folk). well after some examination and an extremely freaky ultrasound my specialest rushes back into the room and says it has to come out now. Its over doubled in size and could burst at any moment………
enter nervous break down
………… tears……. I refused, yelled, screamed, hollered… at one point I even sat in the floor!! Why you ask because this was not supposed to be happening again! 2011 in Sydney was the year for no needles or pain… whooopsy
After a small dicussion about the options I finally gave in………… why because there was no other choice. I couldn’t fly home to have the surgery, he said it could rupture walking out the door which would totally stink!

Anyways by this time we decided that it had to be affecting some hormone issues hence my 2 weeks of rage and emotional basketcaseness so they thankfully gave me some anti-anxiety drugs to help me out… unfortunattly it blocked out all filters…
Enter Profanity
I was mean….. apparently cussed out a few nurses and the anesthesiologist! whoopsy! Thank goodness I wasn’t in a Hillsong shirt I was representing my great state of Texas. (now I know some of you are rolling your eyes at me and shaking your head at me… don’t pretend your not. I’m human and people deal with things in different ways… God and are currently working on my mouth and making some serious headway but… yesterday was an off day k?)

SO yesterday I had an emergency laparoscopic cystectomy — webmd it if your confused 🙂
Anyways they removed a Golf-ball size thing from my ovary. I have a few incisions and some crazy pain but now I should be like a new woman in a few weeks! 

I’m extremely thankful its over! I mean recovery is awful but I can hopefully get back to my life soon! God knew what he was doing though… because it was an emergency situation I didn’t have to pay anything up front, which means the hospital deals with the insurance not me! Money is extremely tight/non existing at the moment so it was a great praise to not have to pay anything yet…

so now my pain meds have worn off and I’m tired of writing! Thank you for all your prayers, calls, text, and messages. I don’t have credit  on my phone so please don’t be offended if I don’t call you back or am asleep when you drop by…  I’m so used to entertaining I need to learn how to rest and recover while focusing on me.

All our heartache
And all our pain
God our healer
He has overcome!!

A good song….

Our Songwriting Teacher and Worship Leader Extraordinaire  Hanna Hobbs said in class the other day that a good song can make people feel like it was written for them…… now I understand that statement

Now just pause that thought for a second….

If you knew me back home you know I cry. a lot… about everything…. all the stinkin time….
If you know me now you know I can’t cry… hardly ever…. only for short bursts and I have to force myself.

So today in band we got to start working on our worship sets, we did a fun song written by 2 of the coolest girls I know then we started work-shopping Davids and  Andreas song… I hadn’t heard it yet because David is a terd and wanted to keep it a secret!
so I’m sitting there with Andrea and the band listening to the song when suddenly I felt  the tears come…. I had already been chosen to lead part of it so people were looking at me…. and I couldn’t escape it. I tried to but there was no stopping them.
 I turned to Andrea who was like “this is awkward” “why are we singing my song?” “can’t we do another?” and kinda blubbered that I felt it touched me so deeply, and how it was like they said everything I want to tell God but can’t get out. The melody and feel of the song could be Country or Indie so of course I jump on the country train for my verses then blend with Daven for the more indie feel when its her turn. I’ve been feeling at a loss for words and everything lately… I don’t know what to say to God while I’m praying anymore… I feel as if I’m just chillin in this haze of pain and decisions that I really can’t make, yet somehow knows that Gods arms are wrapped so tightly around me. I know he hasn’t left be but sometimes its hard when God is quiet. The times when he’s just being a loving parent and is quiet, letting me make decisions on my own and learn and grow from the circumstances I’m currently in. The pre Chorus and verse 2 are the parts that touch me so much. We have been talking about God promises and that there is no expiration date on them. The story of Sarah and Abraham always amazes me…. It really puts my situation in perspective….. when I get to be complaining about being 24 single with babymaker issues I just think about them, it shuts me right up!
Anyways  I’ll blog more about the song later and most likey post the performance in 6 weeks after we perform it, but until then you can read the lyrics…….

 VS 1
I stand here waiting
for you to show your face
I alk through the wilderness
in the shadow of your grace

Pre-Chorus
Father when you call me
I’ll be right where I belong
I will rest in your unfailing love
when it feels like your gone

Chorus
I will trust in your ways, oh God
I will worship you my God
and for all of my days, I will sing your praise
to lift your name on high

VS 2
Give light to my eyes
and freedom to my soul
Guife me and show me
what your promised long ago

Pre-Chorus

Father when you call me
I’ll be right where I belong
I will rest in your unfailing love
when it feels like your gone

Chorus
I will trust in your ways, oh God
I will worship you my God
and for all of my days, I will sing your praise
to lift your name on high

 Simple.
Beautiful.
The end

Some things I learned from Lady A and Keith

No matter how old I am I will  always want to be a country star.

Country music just touches my heart

Aussie accents are still crazy attractive, especially on musicians. there was just something about the way they said “guita” that made my heart melt.

Hilary’s bangs look just as goofily good as mine.

I have a new love for bass players. Keith’s was just a rock star, I learned more about groove from him than all 4 classes of those lectures last semester! He just chilled all night looking like a rock star and hardly ever moving…

I wish to develop my country song writing skills.

Sometimes you need a night out, even if you don’t feel good.

Rainin on Sunday is still one of the sexiest songs ever…..

I’ve been trained to say things like amen, come on, and  hallelujah when I like something  in church sooooo it crossed over and josi and I found ourselves in funny situations after awesome guitar shreds saying things like Come on, Hallelujah and I had the urge to raise my hands lol
Iphone auto correct says “Hells Yah” when I spell Hallelujah wrong

Watching drunk people, and smelling the stench of beer and puke was okay but lady who spilled her margarita on my purse not so much…..

I may have sung every word to every Lady A song loud of off pitch which may have been unfortunate to Josi and the people around me 🙂

Sometimes you just need to scream!!!

A concert is a concert no matter where you sit!

Sarah’s terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day….

Whenever I have off days I simply go in my room and read “Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good Very Bad Day” and a few bible verses to bring me some perspective 🙂 and remind me that I’m in Australia following Gods will for my life and there is no reason to embody debbie downer, or negative nancy. I’m silly sarah lol

Yesterday didn’t count though…. I’m writing this now as the sun has come up and I’m sure there is a new wonderful day awaiting me.

Anyways I woke up yesterday with my pain level up worse than ever before, so I basically did noting but lay on the couch all day, which is always fun but beginning to bore me quite a bit. After some help from my good friend pain medicine I needed to go to the store so I started to shuffle/waddle my way down stairs and exited the building into a thunderstorm of west Texas proportions. So I made it to coles  got what I needed then headed back out into the storm. The suburb of Waterloo thought it would be nice to put tile on most of the pathways in our little area……… So Tile + Rain=Slippers…. I busted hard, crushed all my eggs and sour cream ( I didn’t go buy more cause the account is low and what a waste) and I’m betting broke a rib (my side is black and blue this morning) so then I pout and cry in the rain on the way home cause I’m just feelin quite pathetic. I also prayed that my fall didn’t rupture or cause damage to my already fragile cyst and insides…… So I called one of my friends who has a teenybopper TV show that I enjoy watching because it just takes the mind off things but the XBOX didn’t work…
As you know I’m going to the Lady Antebellum/Keith Urban Concert on Thursday, if I can move or not 🙂 well my friend who was going with me texted and said she couldn’t go…. so there’s $90 bucks that couldn’t have been spent on grocery’s or medicine or dr’s bills….
About this time I  had enough, and lashed out at everyone around me, plopped down on my couch with Jamie pies and cried it out.

Then here comes Jesus and my contients quoting 1 Peter5:10
 10 And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast…

So I’m believing that despite yesterday, this month, and even the whole year, God is actively working to make me strong, firm and steadfast.  Why else would I be going through all this?? Someone once told me this year would be one of sandpaper… where God smooths out all my rough edges, and believe me I have plently…

Some days its your turn to be the bug that gets smushed on the windshield 🙂

Happy Monday

well blah blah blah

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast- 1 Peter 5:10 ( thanks casey)
This week has been crazy, crazy, crazy. As you know I’ve been experiencing some ‘female issues” for awhile now. It seems like every time I turn around something down there is malfunctioning.  I went in for a normal ultrasound and left after an emergency small needle biopsy was done. Talk about scarry but more so annoying… I actually kicked a nurse but its okay cause I gave her an EXCHANGE card 🙂 Don’t know what that is? Google hillsong eXchange 🙂 Anyways My mom, close friends, and roomies and I had a rough night just praying and thinking about outcomes.  Dr. Theo ( my specialist) called this morning to inform me that its not ovarian cancer yet I have a high level of something called CA-125. ( They throw the C word around alot here, a little extreme but scary none the less) Also that I have a large cyst/mass/tumor ( I’ve heard all three words, pretty sure its a cyst with solids in it???) on my right ovary just waiting to burst and cause a whirwind of problems that needs to be removed…. which brings me to now. ( I spared some gory details )
Where do I want to have surgery?
Whats cheapest?
Who has better healthcare?
Who’s going to hold my hand?
Where do I have the most support?
School? School? SCHOOL???? 
MONEY?
Can I even fly without it rupturing?
so you may be thinking woah thats alot. Well it is alot to take in but… but…… but….. God is my ultimate provider, healer, ya know all the big christianese words but seriously. I’m okay. Gods got me  no matter what I decide or what happens… so I should take a few days spend in fervent prayer and just think about the bigger picture and try to make decisions that will benefit me and the call that God has on my life

I feel like an emotional time bomb. So if your here in Sydney and I seem standoffish, giddy, tired, or any other extreme emotion for me just give me some room to think and I should be back to my normal self in no time. If you enjoy my crazy facebook post please excuse the moodyness or extreme bible verses < i've never understood why people care about the changes you put on YOUR status, seems silly to me but oh well. Yall know the way I deal with things is to cry it out and I haven't done that yet, so I'm going to take some time to process all with junk with my Savior but wanted to let yall know what is going on! 

pray           pray           pray 
 James 5:16……the effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.

Psalm 91

 I read this during a Bible Study last week and it was spoken into our lives again tonight as we said goodbye to 2 of our dear friends who are going home early due to illness. Satan is attacking some of us at college pretty hard! Am I allowed to say that on my blog? I think I am. I am because its true. There are great people here furthering the Kingdom of Jesus and satan is shakin in his boots…. anyways….

 

Psalm 91- The MSG

   You who sit down in the High God’s presence, 
spend the night in Shaddai’s shadow,
   Say this: “God, you’re my refuge.
      I trust in you and I’m safe!”
   That’s right—he rescues you from hidden traps,
      shields you from deadly hazards.
   His huge outstretched arms protect you—
      under them you’re perfectly safe;
      his arms fend off all harm.
   Fear nothing—not wild wolves in the night,
      not flying arrows in the day,
   Not disease that prowls through the darkness,
      not disaster that erupts at high noon.
   Even though others succumb all around,
      drop like flies right and left,
      no harm will even graze you.
   You’ll stand untouched, watch it all from a distance,
      watch the wicked turn into corpses.
   Yes, because God‘s your refuge,
      the High God your very own home,
   Evil can’t get close to you,
      harm can’t get through the door.
   He ordered his angels
      to guard you wherever you go.
   If you stumble, they’ll catch you;
      their job is to keep you from falling.
   You’ll walk unharmed among lions and snakes,
      and kick young lions and serpents from the path.

 14-16 “If you’ll hold on to me for dear life,” says God,
      “I’ll get you out of any trouble.
   I’ll give you the best of care
      if you’ll only get to know and trust me.
   Call me and I’ll answer, be at your side in bad times;
      I’ll rescue you, then throw you a party.
   I’ll give you a long life,

and now a video of our crazy fun performance 🙂