I’ve learned some things in the online/pintrest world called “Invisible Illnesses”. These people may not look sick, or show their symptoms (some life threatening) on the outside but fight a unseen battle daily. I’m not just talking about Depression, Bipolar, or Mental illnesses, Lupus, Fibromialgia, Chronic Fatigue are all examples of Invisible Illnesses. If you know someone (besides me) suffering from an “Invisible Illness” reach out to them. They might need it, they might not even know they need it but they do. Just a simple thinking about you will suffice, you dont have to visit or bring them meals ( though for some that is needed) or spend hours on the phone listening to them cry. For me personally its extremely hard to answer the phone or texts sometimes, You might think well she isn’t “doing” anything else… yes, I am. I’m trying to live without spending every day crying for hours on the bathroom floor ( more on my “safe” place later). It doesn’t mean they don’t effect me or encourage me. This week I had one of my super good friends growing up message me just to say hang in there and don’t give up, It meant the world. Another friend keeps sending me pictures of her precious baby girl with have a good day messages. I got about 6 before I ever responded, yet she kept sending them. Casey calls me everyday when he gets off work, even if I’m a total Bword to him for no reason(besides the obvious fact that im cray cray right now). Then there is Jared who doesn’t complain when insomnia kicks in and I blow up his phone since Australia time difference means he is awake.
|Not exactly sure why this iceberg resembles Africa.|
If your reading this and you don’t know me, it means I grew a pair and actually posted this somewhere public. Instead of my own personal fb aka the hustle page.
I signed up to do Jon Acuff’s 30 days of hustle. Mostly because I did his start challenge and royally failed, and now God has given me no choice but to get my life in order health wise. So why now actually participate in his thing.
So my Hustle Goal for the next 30 Days is ” To be more responsible with my health, fiances, and relationships.
Day 2’s challenge was to think about a WHY. WHY is this my goal?
My weight is obvious. I must lose weight for my heart, high blood pressure, kidneys, eyes (I’m learning to rock the glasses) and ovaries. I no longer have any other choice. Well besides stroke or heart attack. As weird as it may sound, the thought of not dying from a fat man disease isn’t what keeps me from eating pizza at the moment. Its not the thought of having someone fall in love with me, its not finding Mr right and living happily ever after. Its not my dreams of wearing a nice swim suit next time I’m in Australia either. Its Babies. I want to have children if that’s a possibility, adopt or even be a foster parent with kids only in my life for the time.
Why do I want to get my health in order? Babies. Or the possibilities of babies. That’s the end goal, a family. A healthy family.
( I know that most likely a husband will come before this, which may be a pretty rad reward but for the first time in my life im not trying to loose weight for a man…… and that feels really good) (( I also am well aware that I may never get married or fall in love again. That doesn’t mean I can’t foster 😉 ))
Mental health is another huge why. I’m currently off all anxiety and Anti-Depressants. Its a scary feeling knowing that at any moment I could just freak out. I hardly got out of bed this weekend and spent the majority of it trying to force myself to get out of bed. This morning at work I threw my phone clear across the room in front of everyone in a fit of rage, which wasn’t the wisest but thankfully its been okay for the most part. I can slowly feel my self isolating again but maybe that’s what I need right now. To be alone. I’m just letting God handle it. I usually roll my eyes when people use that term, I gave it to God, but I did. Now I’m just taking it one day at a time, sometimes minutes at a time. It is also shocking to feel again. The good and the bad, I’m feeling it. I cried at a movie, and laughed out loud at a book. Its interesting how sometimes to shut down the bad, the medicines strip away the good.
Finances- I blow all my money on food. It’s very simple. Food is my friend and food costs money.
Our bible study was going through a book called “Love Notes.” The author wrote letters to his wife before he met her and now he has a book…..
I’ve been challenged throughout my life to write my future husband (if I have one) by my mom, friends, books and more. I do it more than you’d think, So tonight I decided to share.
I’m currently sitting in chilis alone. An hour ago I was wailing in my bathroom floor for no real reason besides me having a bad day, sick of being alone, and the fact that I lost that tight grip I’ve had on my emotions lately. I also caught a glimpse of my ugly cry face in the mirror and that’s just not healthy. As you’ve read so many times before I pray you never see that side of me. The crazy warewolf side who is always on edge and out of control. Sadly if your reading this you will know that this is not a dream that will come true.
I have a big drs appointment tomorrow. Nothing that life altering but, my current blood pressure issues are much worse than I’d like to think. The stress of trying to keep my anxiety and stress down while completely changing the way I eat and live is exhausting. I have a feeling this is why I’ve been so crazy, and beyond lonely this week. Complete fear. Maybe that’s why I’m in a restaurant alone writing you at the moment, I can’t get much more pathetic.
I did however loose 7 lbs, get a spray tan and go to Brandon’s wedding alone this week so that deserves something.
In less depression news. I’m singing a really hard/High song on Sunday. By now you have most likely heard my range from the good, the bad and ugly but you know how hard it is for me. I’m just so excited that by letting go of some inhibitions God is allowing me to grow in my gift. I’m still not sure is I believe “correctly” about woman worship leaders but I’m reading a book that is really helpful. Christy Knockles has written come of it and we all know how much I loooove her. As long as I pretend I’m singing in the car to God I think I might just be okay. Once upon a time I wished that my voice was what you fell in love with long before me. Is that weird.
Yeah I thought so too.
Did you ever had bad days like this?Weeks? Years? Did you ever eat alone and wonder what it would be like not to have to. ( Sundays are my worst) To always have someone to come home to? To sing with? To travel with? To laugh and cry with?
Or in my case cry and cry with.
I can feel God pursuing me for something greater yet somehow I keep pushing Him away. I hope I don’t do the same with you….. How can I allow a man to pursue me when I have a hard time with my Creator loving me and showing me He cares. I mean God is the one who created my ugly cry. He sees it way more than most.
Of course you have never ever seen that ugly cry face, cause I’m Sarah and I have my emotions under control.
Except for tonight, yesterday, the day before that, and most likely tomorrow.
I’m so ready to meet you, or if I already know you… Well you know what I mean.
I never know how to end these.
By now you know I’m a total goofball though so
I’ve been praying for God to break me down and rebuild me into a person He can use. Then I got what I’ve been asking for. A good ol God slap.
This week has been crazy. Actually the past few weeks have been crazy and I just didn’t realise how overwhelmed I was getting. Yall know me, I think I’m superwoman until one day I can’t get out of bed.
After some issues at work I finally had enough and took the day off Monday and went to the Dr. Only to hear what I’ve known and ran from for years.
My fat is affecting my health. Big time.
Like Stage two hypertension, my eyes are going bad, my kidneys aren’t functioning properly, the ever ongoing my ovaries hate me issues, and anemia so bad we are hoping to avoid a blood transfusion.
Now some of you are like stop that, don’t put your self down, God made you blah, blah blah or the other half of you are like yup, we’ve been telling her that for years.
This is serious and I need to take it seriously. I’ve never actually had a medical professional say if you don’t change you will no doubt have a heart attack or stroke by the time your 30. But only I can make these changes. I’ve written so so so so many of these posts through out the years, and even more this year.
Sadly none of this happened over night, which means I can’t undo the damage over night. I currently cant exercise or do anything strenuous until I meet with another Dr. regarding my blood pressure.
I’m well into day 3 of wheat free and I’m tired and hungry and cranky and my stomach is jacked. I guess this means its working 😉
I also think I will be taking some time away from facebook. I really want to write and blog more but facebook seems to take over my free time. Like I sit down to write, then an hour later I finally caught up on everything that has happened that day. Don’t get me wrong I love love love being connected but I can feel my self withdrawing from real people and not having time for real life conversations or phone calls because I’m stuck on facebook. Maybe I’ll take a break, maybe I won’t. I still need to use it for work, church groups and even to post my blogs. Just please dont be offended if I dont see your status or what not, its not personal 😉
I do know I will be blogging more and of course instagram ( a girls gotta have her selfies) maybe one day I’ll have a selfie collage of my shrinking chins 😉
So with that I’ll leave you with pictures.
|I did a random 5k at the beginning of the month.
This will be my before picture, cause it cant get much worse than this!
|I “worked” the Grove kids booth for a festival.
Really I just made fun headbands with pipe cleaners.
Sydney is in the distance. The thought of one day seeing this in person makes things better.
But until then I’m attempting to not be selfish, fat, lazy, un motivated and “Do It for Bill”
I wrote this the other night in the hospital waiting on them to transfer Marcus. I was too emotional to function or pray properly so I thought maybe writing would help. This isn’t well written nor was it ever meant to be seen but there is something to be said about how my mind works when in these situations. Things I can’t articulate on the normal day to day. So I figured I’d post it anyways. Oh and of course pictures from our crazy crazy week.
Is this why I suffer from depression?
Do you allow me to feel the pit of despair so that I can crawl down to the bottom of a scary hole with these kids?
do I suffer so that when “I say honey I know how you feel they will know I mean it”?
Is this why my family suffers so that we can stand united (and medicated) to make sure these kids get the help they need? Because half of us have been there?
Did we all have to suffer from mental illness so that they know how the boys and I feel?
Is this why I suffer from mental illness?
Have you allowed me to feel such pain and loss by not having kids yet so that I can give them my everything?
Is this why Stephanie lost the love of her life so that we could both be so broken yet so available to love and care for these kids?
Is the why you haven’t healed me? So that I can relate and explain to a terrified 9 year old boy that yes the shot is scary but it will make him feel better?
Is this why you let me go up and down on emotional roller coasters everyday so I will know how to navigate what is happening like its nothin new. Because of course bad things keep happening with my little black rain cloud.
God, everyone keeps telling me to tell the boys to pray and let You comfort them when they are scared yet how do you explain to children that yes You are there but were also there while they were battered, neglected and abused. I’m not mad at you. Sin happens. Sin sucks but at least give me the strength to not scream at these people when they start in on those things. I just want to say well how about you come tell him to pray about it while you get bit, punched, kicked, and your hair pulled. Cause it totally works that way and Stephanie and I really love getting beat up by these kids, our bruises make for great conversation starters.
Is this why you’ve let me be abnormally calm so that I keep thoughts and feelings like those to myself since we both know my mouth gets me in trouble…
Is this why I know what it’s like to be that out of control?
Is all of this why I suffer from mental illness ?
Cause if so I guess I should say thank you.
But seriously if we are going to keep the craziness coming I need a vacation, preferably in Australia.