I keep making comments about the Baby Maker. I have to, I have to try to laugh. Humor is the only way I can cope at the moment.
I chopped off my hair yesterday in preparation for surgery. I call it the “I’m not gonna be a mom hair cut”. Personally when I say that I smile, it makes me giggle. I can see your faces reading it, uncomfortable- its okay to laugh with me.
I also ordered a Pregnancy pillow with birthday money. I’ve wanted one since I saw the movie the Back -Up Plan so why not. I find it funny and Ironic but everyone on hystersisters says they are perfect for recovery.
I make fun of Subaru commercials I want to cry at now, I mock them because I just can’t cry. Poor Steven, he doesn’t know what to say or do. No one does. Not even me.
I told my mom the other night I don’t feel I can be honest with anyone. It makes people uncomfortable. I’ve been doing surprisingly well, so when I do break down, or cry, or make so “not funny” comments it catches people off guard.
My depression and Anxiety meds are working pretty well, the best they have ever been actually. This is a wonderful thing but I’m still learning how normal people deal with things. I used to just cry. Now I can’t. Not more than 5 mins anyways. Gone are the days of crying myself to sleep and feeling better in the morning. It’s a wonderful feeling to be so stable. I’m so used to my insides and outsides matching when it comes to feelings…. Its just odd. It’s a change- a great one- but still odd.
Deep down I feel like a complete wreck though. I sit at work and count down the hours until I don’t have to smile, to when I can go home and get in my muumuu and pretend I’m much older than I am. I’ve read tons of articles, I know that women all around the world regardless of age, number of kids, marital status or circumstances struggle when faced with the word hysterectomy. Even without all the extra hormones it’s hard.
I keep thinking about Grey’s Anatomy and the part where Christina is screaming for someone to sedate her because she can’t stop crying. This is how I feel on the inside. I think I’ll make Steven watch this episode sometime this weekend. Just to get a better understanding.
I know that people don’t know what to say or how to handle me. I don’t even really know what I need.
I do wish that yall would laugh with me, understand that the humor is the only thing I can do at the moment to keep from completely losing it.
I appreciate all of the kind words about freezing my eggs, foster and adoption. I will be pursuing foster /adoption care eventually. Surrogacy isn’t the right option for me. I’ve thought and prayed about all the options extensively and appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers. Its helped tremendously.
The next two weeks will be a roller-coaster I’m sure. I appreciate those of you who are staying on the ride with me.