I hate Medicine!

I’m one of those depressed, anxiety ridden people who hates the thought of NEEDING medicine. But Goodness do I need it. If you’re my family or one of my close friends take this moment to pick your jaw up off the floor.
My refill went out a few weeks ago and I felt so great It didn’t cross my mind. Then with all the craziness in my life at the moment I just didn’t have time to wait on hold for 30 mins between 8-5. So after talking to several pharmacists am told I must make an appointment. I called last week and after 35 mins on hold just went bizark and hung up. Then forgot.
 Until the other day, when  after I felt like I had been shocked and started running a fever I started goolging my eye twitching, insomnia, nauseas, emotional, crazy, twitching, migraine symptoms I realized I’m in full blown withdrawals. I left the apartment twice this weekend and could hardly funtion.
Then I’m upset with myself for being a stupid idiot and (not intentionally this time) making myself feel awful. I can hardly function and am out of control. so I call the dr and prepare myself to make an appointment and fix this crap…. like tomorrow
Well. The idiot in Behavioral health can’t speak English to understand my name or date of birth ( maybe its my accent?) so she transfers me to a lesser idiot. by then I’m crying and she proceeds to tell me to calm down. HELLLO You work in behavioral Health aka crazy department. NEVER EVER tell someone to calm down. Depression and Anxiety Rule #1.  I then remove myself from the office because going bat crap crazy is just so professional. They inform me that I can’t get it to see the dr again until March 13. Because I ad just googled my symptoms, I knew that I would be locked up in a mental ward if I cold turkey quit my meds until March 13th. which just made it worse.
yes I know this is my fault and I did it to myself but still. After mentioning that I think I’m in withdrawals she says well I can send him a note that says you have an appointment march 13 and could he refill your prescription in the meantime.

Well thanks ma’am
Fast forward a week……

It’s 3:00 am and I’m laying on the floor in the bathroom drenched in sweat facebooking my mom who has one to many sick folk in her life. I just took a ice cold shower and am now hugging the toilet with a ghetto icepack on my neck. Thankfully I saw my little temperature thing said 65 or I would have just cranked the air out of habit.
I’m writing this because its so so hard to be honest about antidepressants and medicine and such. No one could paint a real picture for me about the good and bad effects of medicine.  I’m on day 10 of withdrawals and day 1 of new. The pharmacist said it would take another 2 weeks of craziness for me to level out, and the dr Implied with my ovary problems and hormones sometimes its hard to tell. Personally if I came across someone with my crazy symptoms I’d lock me up and drug me until this is over but apparently there are lots of folks in the real world dealing with the same issues I am.  3-5% actually which means there are boocoos of crazys out there. Depression and anxiety is such a hush hush topic which I totally get but I hate the lying. I didn’t feel like going to bible study or church Sunday cause I didn’t want to look people in the face and say I’m good or I’m fine or dodge be subject. It’s awkward if someone says how are you and your like uh I’ve been better… Crazy… Sick … Gone postal. I mean no one wants to hear that. That’s what those people are there for though. ( Insert thats what friends are for music)  plus contrary to popular belief most suffering with anxiety and depression really dont want the attention. Granted I’m blogging about it but ya know. So now at 3:29 I regret not going. Oh well. Can’t change it. Move on. guilt is bad. (I’m quoting therapy mantras in my head)  
Anyways to those of you who are wondering how I am or why I’m “distant” this is why.
I’m sick 
Medicine is a bummer. ( or any other inappropriate word you would like to insert. 

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