My friend sent me this song the other day. She was like hey, this song reminded me of you. I immediately listened to it and so so wished I was a song writer. I cried a bit too, it was comforting to hear someone else feel the same way I do sometimes. Plus we all know 4th of July is my favorite holiday.
Its no secret this week has been rough. All I have wanted is a hug. A hug from someone that would make the pain and crazyness with the kids and life just a little better. To get lost for a few seconds and feel like everything will be alright and I’m not quite alone.
I joke about it often but I currently have everything I ever wanted. A house and kids. That’s all I have really wanted for the past 7 or so years, a family, babies to love and cook dinner for. Sadly I never thought it wouldn’t be with my husband. I’m by no means complaining i just think its funny.
Last night at 3 am while angry I only dreamed about laundry, I listened to this song again. I wondered if my future husband was somewhere feeling the same way. I mean I know guys don’t sit around writing sappy love songs about not caring about their wifes looks. It just really got me thinking…
Do I really not care what my husband looks like?
Do I want to let the Lord take His sweet sweet time?
Am I in such a rush to get married, I don’t care what I look like? cause really I want to be a wife someone is proud of.
Do I really want to be the best version of me possible before I meet him ( if I haven’t already)?
Will I really wait for the person I know God has or will I settle for the first person who says I love you again?
Have I delt with my monsters? Has He? Do I want him to now or later?
Would I rather wait for the man God is shaping or do I just want it now?
Do I want him to be stable? Will I ever be stable enough for a marraige?
Will he want to travel? do I want to travel or have babies more?
Will he be willing to try for biological freckle faced babies? am I?
Will I be able to handle the pain and loss that is bound to come with that?
Which led me into a downward spiral questions about adoptions, depression and all that comes with the fact that I forever have a label preventing many agencies from letting me adopt…
I finally drifted off to sleep somewhere around thinking about parenting issues and what if we punish differently….
This morning I realized that I can only answer one of those questions…
YES- I want the Lord to take his sweet sweet time.
So until then I will listen to this song and John Mayers Love song for No one and wish I were a songwriter.