I don’t know how many times I’ve written “this” blog. You know the one about being at rock bottom and needed to get my crap together.
The boys are gone, they are with their mother, CPS is handling it the only way they can, the police were there, it was ugly and horrible and I never ever ever want to go through it again. Sunday at lunch our pastors 5yr old asked where they were and if he’d ever see them again….
I made the same decision I’ve made for the past 2 weeks.
Detach, don’t think about it, don’t feel…..and lie, through my teeth lie.
So when you ask me how I am doing or if I’m okay. I’m not, I’m lying with the hopes that one day I will be.
( I know many if you have a slew of supportive prayers, messages, thoughts and comments right here, I know I could see them tomorrow because God is in control…… But in order for me to function I need to live in worse case scenario land so I can’t deal)
So all that to say,
Guess what I’ve been doing????
EATING MY FEELINGS!!!!
God somehow used this horrible time in my life to make my close friends “grow a pair” and on separate occasions be brutally honest about my weight.
The “you know we love you but you have to stop” or ” I’m only saying this because I love you.” Luckily for me (them) I have zero fight left in me at the moment so I didn’t go on the verbal defense . One of these was a friend who I’ve known since we were 11, she has loved me through all of my ever changing weight cycles and knew me before I was fat, and has never once mentioned it in a negative way growing up and She still hasn’t. She leads the “you are beautiful just the way your are”charge….
But she is preggo and through a series of conversations and jokes she said well ” do it for bill”
She was right.
If I’m honest with myself and others, I’ll most likely never loose weight for “myself.”
I didn’t do it for a boy, didn’t do it for Ivan and Marcus, not for Australia, not for my health, nothing has made me want to do it really.
Until she mentioned Bill and I really started thinking about about babies, how much I long to be a mother, Ivan and Marcus, and how I really can’t adopt or have babies if I too fat to even breath. How we have been friends for so long and there is a baby. And maybe…..just maybe if I get my crap together and health in order I might have (foster,adopt,birth) a “Bill” of my own
But until then I’m attempting to not be selfish, fat, lazy, un motivated and “Do It for Bill”