Invisible Illness

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I’m currently sitting on a blanket outside in my back yard staring at the clouds and trying to force myself not to think. I set a timer for 15 mins just so I could be outside today. On of the many things I “should” do to help myself heal while the medicine does its job
Eat 3 meals a day
Take the medicine
Keep your space livable
dont shut people out
apply for jobs
Dont worry about my non working car
Exercise at least 15 mins a day
Keep up with therapy and appointments
Don’t isolate
Don’t spend too much time on social media
Listen to music
Limit TV
Have fun
Keep it to your self
Learn to say no
Learn to relax
Sleep well
Keep a list of your symptoms
Learn your triggers
Don’t think about Australia
Focus 100 % on finding a job
Read more
Pray harder
Don’t blame your self
Don’t take naps
Answer the phone even if you dont want to
Just Smile
Choose Joy
This is a list of things that I need to do, someone has told me to do, or have found online when suffering from Mental illness.
Personally its all extremely overwhelming. How about we add breath, don’t scream at people, and turn on the lights to the list. These are the hardest for me at the moment. 
I like Sundays. I can function on a Sunday, at least for about 4 hours or so before retreating to nap the day away. Its in those hours at church when I remember who I once was and can still be again. Its singing or laughing or just sitting around watching people and their families that reminds me that I am in fact still alive and breathing. Sometimes it feels like this is all just a dream ( dont worry, they say its a symptom and total normal for someone with my mental state).
The rest of the week is the hard part. Mondays blah, Tuesdays Blah- unless we have bible study and I get enough willpower to take the bus to get there, Wednesdays more blah- unless bible study repeat process, Thursdays nope, Friday and Saturday are the worst. They are the days in which I want to get out and have fun but cant. I just sit here doing the same things over and over but adding the seeing friends out having fun while I sit at home thing. ( which sometimes makes the depression worse. Its a viscous cycle)
Just know that I’m trying. Trying to function, trying to leave the house, trying to hold on the the last threads of friendship that I haven’t pushed away or blocked out. I’m in my late 20s and I should have my crap together now, or at least a plan on how I’m going to get there.

I’ve learned some things in the online/pintrest world called “Invisible Illnesses”. These people may not look sick, or show their symptoms (some life threatening) on the outside but fight a unseen battle daily. I’m not just talking about Depression, Bipolar, or Mental illnesses, Lupus, Fibromialgia, Chronic Fatigue are all examples of Invisible Illnesses. If you know someone (besides me) suffering from an “Invisible Illness” reach out to them. They might need it, they might not even know they need it but they do. Just a simple thinking about you will suffice, you dont have to visit or bring them meals ( though for some that is needed) or spend hours on the phone listening to them cry. For me personally its extremely hard to answer the phone or texts sometimes, You might think well she isn’t “doing” anything else… yes, I am. I’m trying to live without spending every day crying for hours on the bathroom floor ( more on my “safe” place later). It doesn’t mean they don’t effect me or encourage me. This week I had one of my super good friends growing up message me just to say hang in there and don’t give up, It meant the world. Another friend keeps sending me pictures of her precious baby girl with have a good day messages. I got about 6 before I ever responded, yet she kept sending them. Casey calls me everyday when he gets off work, even if I’m a total Bword to him for no reason(besides the obvious fact that im cray cray right now). Then there is Jared who doesn’t complain when insomnia kicks in and I blow up his phone since Australia time difference means he is awake.

Not exactly sure why this iceberg resembles Africa.
People don’t need lists of things they should and shouldn’t do to cope.
People need love, support, and comfort even if they don’t want it.
They NEED it.
Mental illness is selfish, and ugly but at the end of the day we are still called to love just as Jesus did. Something I think the Church can work on. So I’m starting with me, Im going to attempt to love as Jesus did, despite my issues.
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One response to “Invisible Illness”

  1. This is very well written. You unknowingly were letting God work through you with this blog. I want to thank you for your words. I know that my sister has been depressed for years…I think that some of the things that you said in here are her too. I always think that she is “doing nothing”. Maybe she's just trying to breathe. Why had I not known this?? I've read your blogs before. I know of your depression…why had I not connected it to my own sister until this blog? With you, I don't always have the right words, so I just pray for you. You have given me a whole new perspective on people suffering from depression. I don't have to have the “right words” just some endearing words would work. A periodic “hello”. I'm sorry. I love you more than you can imagine. You have a wonderful heart and I love ya half to death!!!! I hope you know that in your heart for the times when I can't find the words. Love ya, sunshine.

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